Happy Birthday POS

So today I turn 32. There really isn’t anything special about 32 except that I feel much better physically than when I turned 30. It makes me wish I could go back in time and tell the 26 year old me to knock that shit off. It probably wouldn’t have worked anyway. I imagine this is how Biff Tannen felt about that 1950’s version of himself.

Not eating that shit is a lot like a any other addiction. You can’t stop doing it until you actually want to. Then after you stop you wonder what the fuck you were thinking all that time. I’m still very overweight but I feel better everyday and that is honestly what really matters. That and I can see my dick without a fork lift.

Reading is Fundamental

After my rant about how shitty cheat days are I decided that I was going to go back and read that part of the 4 Hour Body again. It turns out that as usual Time Ferriss has already addressed this issue. He basically says that fat fucks like myself could gain up to 8 pounds by two days after the binge. He assures the reader that this weight will fall off (and then some) in just a few more days.

So that brings me to my Saturday weigh in. I chose Saturday this week because I was going out for my birthday that night and knew that I was going to eat pretty shitty and have a few beers (at least 5). Well wouldn’t you know it, I was just over 348. That means I lost 2 pounds from the previous weeks pre binge weight of 350. I weighed myself Sunday morning just to see what damage I did and it was at just over 351.

I didn’t go crazy on Sunday but I still didn’t weigh myself this morning. It’s mostly because I’m a fucking retard and forgot, but I don’t think that I’m going to do the Monday weigh in. It’s depressing as all fuck and doesn’t serve much of a purpose. If I’m down from Sunday to Sunday then I’ll be happy.

I also worked out on Saturday. I did 75 thirty pound kettlebell swings, 20 bridges and 10 bird dogs. Tim Ferriss calls them Flying Dogs but it seems that most people don’t use that term. When you look up the exercise you feel like an idiot and think you can do like a hundred of them. You can’t.

Here are my (somewhat) depressing current stats:

Weight: 348 pounds (-10 pounds)
Body Fat: 37% (no change)

I’ll close with a video that makes me feel better about myself…

Lazy Piece of Shit

So besides being a fat piece of shit I’m also lazy. While I have an amazing wife who is also a French trained chef I can barely warm up some shitty canned soup in a microwave. Because of this I tend to eat out. A lot.

I’ve heard countless fucktards tell me that in order to be healthy you have to make your own food and you can’t go out to eat. Total fucking horse shit. If you have half a brain and 23 chromosomes eating out won’t be a problem on the Slow Carb Diet.

I’ve been to Chilli’s and Applebees recently with no issues. For fucks sake you can order steak! Just add some mixed veggies or broccoli. Chilli’s even has black beans as a side. Chipotle and most other mexican joints are full of shit that is perfect.

Also, don’t be a cheap piece of shit. If it costs you a couple of bucks extra to order the healthy option just do it. It’s a lot cheaper than replacing your heart with a cows heart.

My point is that even this lazy piece of shit can stick to this diet and not really feel like I’m missing much. Besides feeling really shitty, getting headaches and slowly killing myself.

Oh and by the way. I love World Star Hip Hop.

Fuck Cheat Days!

2w9XXXqFFpulkrh8FunSChaZo1_500So once again it appears having a cheat day fucked me. I’m down to 350 on Sunday morning and today I’m at 357 after following the diet perfectly. To recap I’m supposed to eat anything I want as much as I want one day per week, in this case Sunday while watching epic football games. How the fuck do I gain seven pounds in two fucking days, one of which I eat perfectly fine. Jesus fucking Christ!!!!

So now I’m saying fuck it to cheat days. I might eat a little off the rails one day a week but I’m not going insane anymore. Maybe I’ll confine it to one meal. If you look at my weight from this week and last before gorging myself  I should be down about a cat and a half (15 pounds) of weight. Instead I’ve lost exactly one motherfucking pound in two weeks.

I’m also making my workout sessions longer. This isn’t necessarily to increase weight loss, though I hope it helps, it is because I like it and want to gain muscle. In losing my previous 50 pounds I was working out very intensely at least once a week for an hour. I’m going to try and get in three 30 minute sessions a week now.

Here are my depressing current stats:

Weight: 357 pounds (-1 pound)
Body Fat: 37% (first measurement)

I will leave you with the immortal words of @EpicBeastMode:

Men who use the term “cheat meal” or “cheat day” are fucking queer.

How Fat Am I Really???

Don’t answer that…

Yesterday I got frustrated with my scale that is supposed to give me my body fat percentage but can only do so when I balance perfectly on it so that the digital reading can come to an exact weight first. See the picture below.

elephant-balances-on-a-football

So instead I bought one of the ones that you hold out in front of you after entering in all the embarrassing statistics they need to flash a number much larger than you expect right in front of your face. I’m doing this so that even when I have a weigh in like the last one I can check that and make myself feel worse. I guess there is always to possibility that I’ve gained muscle but that might be the biggest cop outs that fat fucks use. Sure muscle weighs more than fat, but if I were really all muscle I’d crash through sidewalks like a falling piano.

So on to the numbers. The one time that I was able to get the fucking scale to work it told me that I had 42% body fat. Stellar. Yesterday before I ate dinner, during one of the times they deemed appropriate to use the tool, I got a reading of 38%. Before anyone gets their statistical panties in a bunch I’m not really saying that I lost 4% body fat. Well I guess I am, but that’s only to further delude myself. I know that I need to use the same tool to measure the same thing at the same time of day to make it is an accurate representation of what’s happening.

I’ll make an “official” measurement on Saturday after my pre-pigout weigh in.

Also, as a follow up to my last post. I weight in on Tuesday just to see if that Monday number was inflated and I was just under 358. So I didn’t really lose anything weight wise the first week.

Week One Down the Tubes

So week one is in the books. As of Saturday 1/12 I had lost 4 pounds. After the cheat day on Sunday I weighed in today (Monday) morning to 361. An increase of 3 pounds from the start.

Now I ate pretty shitty on the cheat day that included 30 of the new Burger King chicken nuggets. They still pale in comparison to the ones at McDonalds but did the trick. I had rice and some noodles in my dinner too but I also ate a gigantic salad as well. I’m gonna weight myself tomorrow and see if things normalize because I’m pretty sure that 7 pounds in one day would be some kinda record. I even laid off the booze. Not gonna make that mistake again.

During the week I wasn’t 100% on my diet. I had some breaded shrimp on Saturday and a few roasted fingerlings potatoes on Friday night. Even with those transgressions I’m proud of that. The diet is easy to stick to and pretty convenient overall.

I got got two session of kettlebells in doing 75 swings each time. I’m going to add two more exercises from 4 Hour Body, the bridge and some thing that has dog in the name. I’ll get the exact things and outline the workout sometime this week.

Recap:
Weight pre cheat: 354lbs
Weight post cheat: 361lbs

In the meantime here is a video of one of my cardio sessions:

Day One… Kinda

So I started my efforts to lose the weight of 15 average cats (150 lbs.) this past Monday (1/7/2013). This isn’t a new years resolution, more picking up the torch where I left off at the beginning of the summer. Why stop in the summer you ask. I’d rather be a fat fuck playing golf than lose weight. Pretty simple.

I had hoped to start up my weight loss in September or October but food that’s shitty for you tastes too good and I’m an addict. I guess it’s better than heroin. My starting weight is 358 lbs. I had gained back about 10 pounds from when I stopped working out and being on a strict plan. Those are rationalizations for when I started eating like an asshole.

If you read the plan you’ll know that I am also planning on measuring inches on major parts of my body. I haven’t gotten around to that. I have been sticking strictly to the slow carb diet that I chose and I have just taken my first pAGG pill this morning. The ice pack therapy will begin tonight. Even writing that sentence makes me feel like a desperate asshole, but if the shoe fits….

In case anyone want to see my before picture I have posted it below:

pizza-the-hut